A lot of us might have freedom as a goal, but what does it actually look like?
Where has your version come from? We know that one of the most important steps in getting where you want to be is really being able to see what it is you're aiming for. Maybe something comes to mind for you immediately when you think of freedom. A step that is sometimes missing though, is working out why you want that particular version of it in the first place. For me this is essential and it's also sometimes the beginning of the end when I realise that my motivation was really fear of what someone else would think or a 'should' - basically anything that comes from outside of me. It can be so easy to fall into a goal based on what is expected, whether that comes from someone else, yourself, or you've just soaked it up from the thousands of messages we have waved in our faces every day. It's also very seductive to get distracted from what really matters to you because something else feels like it's the logical next step or what you should be aiming for whether you want to or not, say a promotion when you're actually really happy where you are. External treasures are lovely, often hard-won and great bonuses but it is sometimes important to consider what we make them mean. Maybe freedom for you really is that car or that shiny new job but are you expecting to see yourself or your life fundamentally differently once you have them? Are you actually reaching for something else - a sense of self-worth, power or recognition for example? It can be worth the question because when we reach a goal expecting to feel suddenly fulfilled and it wasn't what we were really looking for, it can be a real disappointment. What if freedom isn't a set of things at all? As someone who spent a very long time feeling trapped in my own patterns, I measure my freedom as the absence of constraint in my mind and in my life. The ability to have easy conversations that I can let go of afterwards, even if I feel I said something I wish I hadn't. Being able to express myself and hold boundaries feeling calm and confident. The ability to be fully present and have space for real joy in the moment because I'm not worried about what I should be doing and I'm not lost in a moment that's already passed or is yet to arrive. I experience that freedom as an almost physical lightness, and because it is a weight that I've put down, I can probably appreciate it in a way I wouldn't if I had never felt the opposite. Freedom for me is being able to live my life, right now. I learned through trial and quite a bit of error, that when freedom depends on what we have or what we look like to other people it can easily disappear. Externally, lots of things have changed for me over the years. I've lived in a fair few places, I've had different jobs, people have come and gone and I've had more and less financially - but my sense of freedom is something I build inside of myself and I bring with me no matter my situation. Follow the feelings A pretty solid way of staying close to your idea of freedom is to tune into the feelings you have about the actions and decisions in your life and keep it simple. Notice I said feelings and not thoughts which can quickly become a bit of a maze. Does it feel constrained? Does it take you closer or further away from what you really want, even if looks all-singing, all-dancing with bells on and everyone you know thinks it's a great idea? To do this we have to prioritise what really matters to us and sometimes we've been so distracted from it that we're not even sure what it is anymore. It can feel like standing in a loud room full of people and trying to find that one really quiet person in the crowd. The good news is they've never left the party and they are always waiting for us to find them again. It might sound a bit woo but you've got a pretty reliable map with those feelings. If you listen, they are very likely to lead you where you want to go. Deep down we usually know the right path for us but the 'shoulds' get in the way of that little voice. Ultimately, it's your connection to yourself and what is really important to you that is going to lead you to real fulfilment, even if that looks completely different than you would have expected. If you were to let those feelings map the journey to your freedom, what would the first step be?
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You know that person at work who drives you crazy? That friend who does something that makes you twitch every single time? Or the habit that, no matter how many times you mention it, your partner just won't break?
Listen to your body right now, how does it react when you think of those things - and how familiar is that feeling? It seems counterintuitive at first but if we start asking 'what is my part in this?' instead of giving in to the temptation to stoke that anger, we might end up at a result much more like what we want to see. Where are your patterns? One of mine is being told what I 'should' be doing. The idea that someone knows better than me, about me, never fails to give me an automatic pang of defensiveness. These days I can see that happening more often and make a choice rather than biting back - but it's a sore spot. Life has a way of showing you your sore spots and you might find that you keep meeting people or finding yourself in situations that end up up triggering them. Sometimes this can have us wondering why things are so hard, or why do people behave like this to me? but those questions can often be dead ends. More useful might be something like 'What pattern do I have here and how can I break it?' Once you know that, it gives you a place to start. If you can follow that thread and commit to making a change - regardless of what the other person chooses to do - you are very likely to see a different result. The alternative is to focus on them and their behaviour, which is probably a result of all their own patterns and triggers and is completely unaffected by hours of you stewing on it. There is a power in taking responsibility Okay so maybe it doesn't feel great at first. If you suggest taking responsibility to anyone in blame mode, they won't thank you for it and we probably all know what it's like to be both sides of that. The thing is, without taking responsibility you have no power at all. If the problem is with that person or with the rest of the world, what can you do to change it? It's tricky but important to recognise that there might also be some comfort in staying powerless. It might mean that you don't need to do something that scares you or make a difficult decision. More often than not though, this is a false sense of safety. If you look for your part in things, not only can you evaluate your own actions but you can let go of what really doesn't belong to you. That person is going to tell you what you should be doing? Okay, that's on them. How you handle it? That's all you, and you'll probably find that if you choose differently it will change how they interact with you in the first place. When you accept your contribution you don't have to rely on what someone else says or does to feel good and you can also start to move away from what is holding you back. If you're feeling angry with them because you don't feel able to politely decline their unwanted advice, maybe there is a lesson there in expressing yourself and valuing the way you feel. An inward focus can feel like it won't be productive but very often it can have the most practical impact because you are paying attention to the only thing you can really change. It's not moments that matter the most It's not about giving yourself a hard time if you get annoyed and have a good rant from time to time. None of us are going to reach a point where we never come up against some sore spots, no matter how much work we do. It's more about taking the opportunities that other people's behaviour offers to look in the mirror. From there we can choose to take a conscious action or not. In the end laying blame with someone else or the world for how we feel can just be repetitive and exhausting. Something I try to remind myself of - more and less successfully depending on the day! - is that sometimes you can't change the situation but there are literally hundreds of things you can do to change the way it feels. "Don't turn away, keep your gaze on the bandaged place. Our brains and bodies are amazing at protecting us. They are unbelievably skilled at creating distance from the things that we find too hard to deal with, especially if those things happened when we were too young to process them properly. These might be obviously life-changing moments or they could be things that, as adults, we wouldn't see as significant at all. The important thing is that they impacted what we believe about ourselves and the world. Often we have a sense of those things, boxed up and put out of the way and our instinct might be to walk past quickly when we glimpse them out of the corner of our eye. It's not surprising. We've walked past them for a long time and at one time it felt safe and comfortable to do that, but now it might be holding us back. Let me give you an example. Say you made a joke once in a group as a child. No one laughed, maybe someone made fun of you and you felt humiliated. You learned not to put yourself out there in the same way in case you felt that feeling again and that belief became embedded. You have completely forgotten the incident but at 50 you still feel an anxiety and discomfort in a group, you still find it difficult to speak up. You don't know why it is and think that it must be 'just the way you are', but the more it has happened through the years, the less confident you felt. Now, you tend to avoid groups altogether. That belief became stuck, we can't help but act from our beliefs. Change that belief and change your life. This example is a simplistic one. Very often there is a much more complex web of experiences and beliefs that form a behaviour we want to change, but sometimes it really is that simple. Because it caused you pain at the time and those feelings were never released, it might be uncomfortable to start exploring. There is a natural resistance to looking into places that are tender, where we've been hurt before. It all makes sense and your wonderful body is always keeping you safe but if you keep walking by those boxes you will be left with that anxiety. One of the hardest parts of doing this work is showing up to do it. When a client contacts me for the first time, even if they have a strong belief that this is a waste of time and it won't work for them, they have a glimmer of hope there or they wouldn't be reaching out. To me, that is the most powerful agent for change because change itself always comes from you and your willingness to start a conversation with those parts of you who are stuck, who need reassurance that now they can feel safe to be seen. Being even a tiny bit willing, a tiny bit open to start looking inside is ground breaking and it takes courage. It is standing in a doorway having no idea what you are stepping into and not many of us are completely comfortable with the unknown. In my experience though, when you show up like that you always learn something about yourself and you might even find that freedom is on the other side of that door. I did. Get in touch & book a free consultation if you are standing in that doorway and EFT feels like it might be the way through for you. Remember, it doesn't even need to feel possible, it just needs you to be open to the idea that impossible is a belief too. |
AuthorI'm Jess, EFT Practitioner & mindfulness teacher, adoptive mum to two adorable little fireworks and a passionate advocate of the idea that change really is possible, no matter how far away it feels. Archives
July 2024
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