You know that person at work who drives you crazy? That friend who does something that makes you twitch every single time? Or the habit that, no matter how many times you mention it, your partner just won't break?
Listen to your body right now, how does it react when you think of those things - and how familiar is that feeling? It seems counterintuitive at first but if we start asking 'what is my part in this?' instead of giving in to the temptation to stoke that anger, we might end up at a result much more like what we want to see. Where are your patterns? One of mine is being told what I 'should' be doing. The idea that someone knows better than me, about me, never fails to give me an automatic pang of defensiveness. These days I can see that happening more often and make a choice rather than biting back - but it's a sore spot. Life has a way of showing you your sore spots and you might find that you keep meeting people or finding yourself in situations that end up up triggering them. Sometimes this can have us wondering why things are so hard, or why do people behave like this to me? but those questions can often be dead ends. More useful might be something like 'What pattern do I have here and how can I break it?' Once you know that, it gives you a place to start. If you can follow that thread and commit to making a change - regardless of what the other person chooses to do - you are very likely to see a different result. The alternative is to focus on them and their behaviour, which is probably a result of all their own patterns and triggers and is completely unaffected by hours of you stewing on it. There is a power in taking responsibility Okay so maybe it doesn't feel great at first. If you suggest taking responsibility to anyone in blame mode, they won't thank you for it and we probably all know what it's like to be both sides of that. The thing is, without taking responsibility you have no power at all. If the problem is with that person or with the rest of the world, what can you do to change it? It's tricky but important to recognise that there might also be some comfort in staying powerless. It might mean that you don't need to do something that scares you or make a difficult decision. More often than not though, this is a false sense of safety. If you look for your part in things, not only can you evaluate your own actions but you can let go of what really doesn't belong to you. That person is going to tell you what you should be doing? Okay, that's on them. How you handle it? That's all you, and you'll probably find that if you choose differently it will change how they interact with you in the first place. When you accept your contribution you don't have to rely on what someone else says or does to feel good and you can also start to move away from what is holding you back. If you're feeling angry with them because you don't feel able to politely decline their unwanted advice, maybe there is a lesson there in expressing yourself and valuing the way you feel. An inward focus can feel like it won't be productive but very often it can have the most practical impact because you are paying attention to the only thing you can really change. It's not moments that matter the most It's not about giving yourself a hard time if you get annoyed and have a good rant from time to time. None of us are going to reach a point where we never come up against some sore spots, no matter how much work we do. It's more about taking the opportunities that other people's behaviour offers to look in the mirror. From there we can choose to take a conscious action or not. In the end laying blame with someone else or the world for how we feel can just be repetitive and exhausting. Something I try to remind myself of - more and less successfully depending on the day! - is that sometimes you can't change the situation but there are literally hundreds of things you can do to change the way it feels.
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"Don't turn away, keep your gaze on the bandaged place. Our brains and bodies are amazing at protecting us. They are unbelievably skilled at creating distance from the things that we find too hard to deal with, especially if those things happened when we were too young to process them properly. These might be obviously life-changing moments or they could be things that, as adults, we wouldn't see as significant at all. The important thing is that they impacted what we believe about ourselves and the world. Often we have a sense of those things, boxed up and put out of the way and our instinct might be to walk past quickly when we glimpse them out of the corner of our eye. It's not surprising. We've walked past them for a long time and at one time it felt safe and comfortable to do that, but now it might be holding us back. Let me give you an example. Say you made a joke once in a group as a child. No one laughed, maybe someone made fun of you and you felt humiliated. You learned not to put yourself out there in the same way in case you felt that feeling again and that belief became embedded. You have completely forgotten the incident but at 50 you still feel an anxiety and discomfort in a group, you still find it difficult to speak up. You don't know why it is and think that it must be 'just the way you are', but the more it has happened through the years, the less confident you felt. Now, you tend to avoid groups altogether. That belief became stuck, we can't help but act from our beliefs. Change that belief and change your life. This example is a simplistic one. Very often there is a much more complex web of experiences and beliefs that form a behaviour we want to change, but sometimes it really is that simple. Because it caused you pain at the time and those feelings were never released, it might be uncomfortable to start exploring. There is a natural resistance to looking into places that are tender, where we've been hurt before. It all makes sense and your wonderful body is always keeping you safe but if you keep walking by those boxes you will be left with that anxiety. One of the hardest parts of doing this work is showing up to do it. When a client contacts me for the first time, even if they have a strong belief that this is a waste of time and it won't work for them, they have a glimmer of hope there or they wouldn't be reaching out. To me, that is the most powerful agent for change because change itself always comes from you and your willingness to start a conversation with those parts of you who are stuck, who need reassurance that now they can feel safe to be seen. Being even a tiny bit willing, a tiny bit open to start looking inside is ground breaking and it takes courage. It is standing in a doorway having no idea what you are stepping into and not many of us are completely comfortable with the unknown. In my experience though, when you show up like that you always learn something about yourself and you might even find that freedom is on the other side of that door. I did. Get in touch & book a free consultation if you are standing in that doorway and EFT feels like it might be the way through for you. Remember, it doesn't even need to feel possible, it just needs you to be open to the idea that impossible is a belief too. |
AuthorI'm Jess, EFT Practitioner & mindfulness teacher, adoptive mum to two adorable little fireworks and a passionate advocate of the idea that change really is possible, no matter how far away it feels. Archives
December 2023
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